i've been trying to figure out the difference between mindfulness and self-consciousness. i've tried to decipher and control the differences between thinking this is me!! and this is me??
but then i remind myself that It Is What It Is. but is "it" the same for everyone? i know the answer is no and i try to remind myself that, walking down the street and yearning for some kind of eye contact with someone that says "This Is 'It'" but that never happens. not sure if this is some normal type of social anxiety or some weird type of self-aware normalcy and maybe what i want is right in front of me and i can fulfill the thing i am wanting to receive from looking into someone's pupils.
then i got to thinking about psychology and the study of the brain and how, yes, it's a 'science' but how can you measure and compare the heated activity of one person's grey matter with that of another person's. especially when you're trusting lab rats to solve a puzzle for you.
so that when i say "i'm not happy," how do i know for sure that the feeling i'm feeling is different from depression or anxiety, as labeled in the form of a survey [I sometimes feel this way; I often feel this way; I never feel this way.] because when i was younger i thought that maybe my emotions were measured on a dial and at one point the needle would flicker into the green/yellow/orange, anywhere away from those blues, and that was when i would know and feel what it seemed like everyone around was all feeling simultaneously as happy.
and then i smelled saffron. and then i saw rabbit tracks in the snow. and then i heard a banjo. and the question is not solved but my needle peeked and i felt bursting and goosebumps and wondered why this is not a drug advertised by pfizer with side effects being that you are left wondering why you didn't know about this feeling sooner.
